Nov. 23rd, 2015

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Seeing as the internet is rife with speculation and opinions based on nothing at all, similar to what I saw with the Harry Potter book releases, I am going to jump on the bandwagon and post my REAL spoilers for the movie in advance, based on inside sources. Most notably, Patches, who was inside my pillow case last night for some reason. I interpreted his snoring like the oracles used to do at Delphi, except with less volcanic gas because he’s a lot better when it comes to that sort of thing than Sam the pug is.

So here are spoilers at least as authentic as anything else you will find on the net!

-The title of the movie has been changed to “The Force is Bacon” to take advantage of everyone who likes bacon for viral marketing.

-Luke Skywalker IS Kylo Ren!  He is ALSO Princess Leia.  And Jabba. Luke Skywalker is, in fact, almost every single character in Star Wars, due to having a nervous breakdown a while back. The entire movie takes place in a solitary confinement cell in a psyche ward.

-The cigarette companies, seeking to find ways to get product endorsements in the modern era, have also bought controlling interests in a few characters, who are now called “Jar Jar Stinks like a chimney” and “Chew-bacco” respectively.

-The crazy people who were actively whining about no white males being in lead roles are finally vindicated when it is realized that Han Solo has been a woman all these years. The way Harrison Ford plays her, though, you can see the confusion. He makes the character come across as rather masculine.

-It is revealed that the last words the commanding officer of the crashed Star Destroyer in the trailer said was “I’ll never let go” which explains WHY all those Storm Troopers look so ticked off.


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